Wanting for the Sake of Wanting

I have been studying tarot more formally recently (more on that when I finally find the energy to rework this into a somewhat more general spiritual blog). No big deal there, but today’s daily reading was a bit punchy.

I was strongly left with the impression that I had a big decision to make in the near future, and that I should not let my heart rule my head about it. But what decision? To be honest, the decision that always hovers on the horizon is Kemetic Orthodox priesthood, but that didn’t feel relevant. Until a song brought a big Wepwawet shaped punch of emotion, and suddenly it did feel relevant.

This decision is firmly in my hands. Divination will not be helping me. And today, it really does feel like a decision, not the default path, not the siren song I have no chance of resisting.

For years this has been a calling. At first, for the old host and then me afterwards, it was such a strong call it felt like a compulsion, a frenzied need to push ever forward towards reaching this goal. That has died down, thankfully, but in recent times Wepwawet has fallen quiet, with Hethert being the most dominant force in my life, and I realise today that this is a question. Finally, it is a question.

Is KO priesthood what I want? If so, why? I can be a priest without KO, indeed without any organisation. Is priesthood itself what I want, after all of this? If so, why? If KO is not necessary, who would I be a priest of? Am I sure?

I’ve sat on this post for a few days in my drafts, thinking on those questions. I’m not good at thinking these days, with my head where it’s at, I mostly think by speaking, so in many ways this post was a way of feeling this issue out. I realised these questions needed more than just some typing in a text window could give them though.

So, a few days. In which divination has been kicking my metaphorical ass. Wepwawet made clear straight away that this was my decision and he trusted my judgement, so I have not asked him anything, via Fedw or any other means. But oh boy the cards have been loud.

The two things that stand out from this period, are that I took some time to really, really think. To apply myself intellectually to the issue, as cards had indicated I should. At first this didn’t help. I’m stuck, in limbo, trapped by health issues that seem reluctant to be diagnosed let alone loosen their grip on me. How can I contemplate priesthood at all? But I reached further back, past that. I reached back to when I was performing temple rites pretty much as expressed in Eternal Egypt by Richard Reidy, for Wepwawet, several times a week. I reached back and let the clarity of that time fill me.

A very different time. My body worked better, my head worked better. But that allowed me to engage with my desires, and my desire was ritual. I wanted to serve, I wanted to be at shrine regularly, doing these long-ass rites in service to my God and my community. I let the purity of intent touch me from that time, and I realised, that for all I am stuck in tiredness and brainfog and pain today, that is still what I want. It calls to me as surely now as it did then, just from behind the mire that surrounds my mind.

The other thing that stood out was that the cards called me out for carrying this alone. For taking too much on, and being crushed under it. I have no idea what anybody else could do to lighten this load. This journey is ultimately my own. But I have emailed Hemet to update her on things and see what she says about this, and I don’t know, maybe I will message my fellow Shemsu-Ankh or reach out to the priesthood.  Just because I don’t know what anyone can do, doesn’t mean there’s nothing that can be done.

Leave a Reply