The Little Changes Get You There

So, things have been interesting since my last post. It turns out that if your deity comes up to you after a very long time and asks you to reaffirm your dedication to a particular path, and you do so, that can start balls rolling in some really unexpected ways.

I have also been hypomanic, which let me tell you, mixes really terribly with a God crashing into your life and dumping new revelations on you every single day. By the time both Wepwawet and my hypomania started to ease, I felt like my brain was jello and I wasn’t sure how I would cope for much longer.

But they both have eased, so, it’s bearable now. He hasn’t stopped, which is a good reminder that this wasn’t just flowing from an overactive brain. But I have space to breathe, think, function. That said, a lot has happened or been revealed in that time, so much so that I don’t think I could condense it into one post. This one, I think, will be about the practical side of things.

Some of the things that happened were requests. Sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle. Sometimes they’ve made sense, sometimes they haven’t, at least at first. Some examples:

  • I have felt nudged towards shadow work. That one made sense. Priesthood is in many ways all about Ma’at, walking into it when you’re not good with your shadow seems like a bad idea. This has actually, strangely, been the most challenging of his requests. I say strangely because new habits, especially physical habits, like some of the other requests I will mention, are very hard for me. Navel-gazing on the other hand, I love. But I’ve yet to find a method of shadow work that both functions well for me, and has adequate aftercare to be safe for me. It’s all well and good “facing your shadow”, but if all you’re doing is bringing trauma to the surface and then not salving it, you’re probably triggering mental health issues for the person. I had this when I did Morning Pages, and know I need to pre-empt it. I am not feeling pressure from Wep, so I think he understands as well, that I am down for this, I just need to make sure I am safe to do it.
  • Senut. Again, this makes sense. How can I do RHTM if I can’t even do Senut? He hasn’t been super demanding. If I can do it once a week, at a time of my choosing, and work from there, that’s a good start. I’ve also added “making an offering” as a second weekly task, a kind of baby-Senut to build from. It was at this point that I installed the Daylio app again, to habit track, and decided to customise it deeply to really make it work for me.
  • Brushing my teeth twice a day. This is where I started to get confused. I was passing the sink one evening, and I felt a “nudge”. I told him, you’re already asking new habits of me, I don’t know if I can do that. Well, guess who has it in their Daylio app and is now brushing twice a day “religiously” (hah. hah.)? I didn’t understand this at first, but yesterday I remembered how I purify when I can’t do a full shower. I purify my hands, and my lips. The hands that touch, and the mouth that speaks the ritual words. Of course. Of course he wants me to brush my teeth if I’m considering priesthood. It’s one of the few things he genuinely cares about!
  • This he didn’t even ask for, this was a trick. I have a routine when I shower. I started washing my hair a little less often a while back as I had brightly dyed hair. Then, as my health declined, I built a routine around that, of washing the minimum necessary on that day. Areas that get very dirty always get washed, areas that need refreshing less often are done every other day, and hair is every 4th day. About a week ago, I was due for a “very dirty areas” shower, but I had been exerting myself the day before, so I got into the shower and thought, well, I’ll refresh the rest of me. Then I figured, if I’m doing that much, might as well do my hair. The next day, I got in, could have done the necessaries, but I had exerted myself again, so the same thing happened. And now that is just how I shower.

I say “just how I shower”. I am very ill, so any day could be a day I don’t have the energy to do this. But now, instead of risking that I get to the 4th day (hair day) and don’t have the energy to do it, or have to force myself to do it, I am instead washing my whole self every day. If I ever hit a day I am too tired to do my whole self? Well, I don’t have to, I did it the day before. 

This also means that almost every day, I have had a full shower. I am used to having full showers. I can add the ritual purifications to them on any given day. This was not an option before.

For years I have struggled with this, but suddenly, during this strange phase where Wep is reshaping my life, my showering becomes potentially more priesthood and more disability friendly? Yeah I’m squinting at him suspiciously.

Normally, I would expect new habits like this to fall apart pretty rapidly. I don’t even try to pick up new habits these days, or at least I am very careful when I do, because when one enters my brain, others fall right out. But this feels different. Whether it’s because of Wep’s involvement, the use of Daylio, or just because I really want this to work, it feels genuinely possible this time.

I am still scared to hope. New habits are not historically my strong suit. But I will be trying my best regardless. I owe him that, and I owe myself that.

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